i’m trying so hard to stay positive in this environment, but i’m constantly plagued by the thought that every single person i talk to (aside from D. and B.) can’t stand me for more than five minutes. maintaining peace and mental clarity is so hard for me during these gray months, and for everyone else around me, too. i can see it in their faces. i want to know the reason behind my being brought into this dimension in new england. there has to be some explanation.
i’ve come to the realization that i am only good in situations where i don’t have to try, such as in:
i need to fix the way i’m living. i’m too lazy to put any effort in where i need to. sometimes i try to work hard at something, and the second i see it begin to fail, i give up. i’ve lost a lot of people because i don’t have enough energy to solve problems that need solving. most times, that has worked out in my favor, but i don’t want to continue down this road. it’s too risky, plus i hate when people leave me more than anything. i think i need a pill that will make me project myself properly and not give up on a single thing, because i’m too good at quitting.
and it sucks, because i care so damn much about everybody that crosses my path that it hurts me immensely to watch things fall apart. i wish i was better at showing it.
